Not all the news is bad news, you just need to look at it the right way. For example, Defense Secretary Robert Gates is doing some dramatic defense spending reductions. While hawks out there might take alarm, this is actually a good thing. Pentagon defense spending is from Mars and has been for decades, a good example being their plans for a $13 billion presidential helicopter. Gates wants to put an end to the Pentagons old procurement practices that have given us items such as $600 hammers and $800 toilet seats. Even Obama, Spendmeister Of The Universe, is against the $13 billion chopper.
The skeleton of a guy who shot himself dead while tied to a tree top 29 years ago was just found. Now that poor tree is finally free of that annoying rattling noise. (Don’t cheer yet, there’s more.)
This will make your heart swell: “WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Americans have grown more optimistic about the economy and the direction of the country since President Barack Obama took office in January, according to the latest New York Times/CBS News poll on Monday. Two-thirds of respondents said they approved of Obama’s overall job performance.”
That’s even more people than voted for him. No wonder traffic is down here, all my disapproving reports on Obama have no doubt doomed poor Newsbleat, which has got to be good news for 2/3rds of you who still have no grasp of what’s happening to you.
The Wilkins Ice Shelf, which almost no one ever heard of, and is about the size of Jamaica, may soon float away from Antarctica and melt into oblivion. This is good news for global warming proponents, as the Antarctic ice sheet acts as Earths air conditioner, keeping temperatures stable by cooling warm water, which cools warm air. The surface area of Antarctica is rapidly shrinking, much faster than projected, ensuring that Earth will warm up more, faster. Buy your semi-tropical Canadian land now before the rush drives prices up.
In more good news, Vermont has just passed a homosexual marriage bill over the governors veto. Now four eastern states support legal unions of two people of the same sex. This is about right, though perhaps one or two more small states should join in, so there will be sure to be enough room for all the queers to flock to those states, which they will, and maybe give poor San Francisco a break. I’m all for the queers having their own states. In fact, those states should be allowed to secede from the Union and become a separate nation. Then we could bomb them, or at least pass laws making those marriages legal only in those states, so they’d stay there.
“Italy quake exposes poor building standards”. With a death toll topping 200 now, certainly that’s a small price to pay for finding out your town has poor building standards. It’s good to know that, isn’t it. Now as soon as all the bodies are cleared out, they can build to better standards. How wonderful. Good news. Makes ya proud.
There’s lots more wonderful stuff to talk about but that’s about all the good news I can stand for one day. Keep smiling. 
I’m thoroughly and twice half-heartedly against legislation “allowing” gay marriage. I’ve seen the floating wreck that is “straight” marriage and thanks, but no, thanks.
So-called “Gay marriage” isn’t a threat to the heterosexual holy-holy flock, and it’s even less of a threat to the heterosexual “we’re just married because it’s what people do” ites – it’s a threat to peace-loving nellies everywhere.
It’s very generous of “you” progressive heterosecthuals to argue amongst yourselves about whether to let homosecthuals join your (marriage) clubs or not but – and please don’t take too much offence at this – I don’t want to join! I never did and I never will. Keep marriage straight, I’m happy for you all – now, Society, kindly feck off with this attempt to recreate me and mine in your majority image!
Ends rant, wipes dribble off chin, replaces blood-pressure popped eyeball back into socket and saunters away to buy another convertible two-seater sports car and some ripe brie while humming Gloria Gaynor songs …