God loves all you sinning sons of bitches. Halleleujah, praise the Lord. I know that He does because He interrupted me right in the middle of my breakfast to tell me so, halleleujah, praise the Lord. I was right in the middle of cutting up my Jimmy Dean sausages when He paid me a personal visit, halleleujah, praise the Lord, and I was so startled I goddam near sliced off a finger instead of a sausage, halleleujah, praise the Lord.
God, and I mean to say, Gawdallmighty God, wants me to assure you all that He Loves You. Yes, I am his Chosen Messenger, He Loves You, and today GOD needs your help in feeding and clothing the starving children of Crotchistani. Can’t you open your hearts (and wallets) to help these poor little bastards? Why SHORE you can, God is WATCHING YOU right now, are you going to turn God down? Great will be your reward in Heaven for helping these poor needy kids, because GOD KNOWS AND REMEMBERS your acts here on Earth. Halleleujah, praise the Lord.
If you send me twenty dollars RIGHT NOW for our ministry to reach out to these poor, starving little Crotchistanis, I will PERSONALLY ask GAWD to forgive you of all your past sins, and remember, I am Gods Chosen Messenger, God trusts me and God listens to me, and God will reward you. Halleleujah, praise the Lord.
Now I’d like to speak directly to you folks out in the country, y’all that has some livestock, and especially chickens. Y’all knows how hard it is to keep a good laying and pullet stock in. All the kinfolk always showing up by the carloads and needing to be fed, and there goes more chickens, right? The price of chickens isn’t what it used to be, and The Lord knows that all those chicken dinners are putting a real drain on you folks. So GAWD has a plan. Halleleujah, praise the Lord. In fact, that’s mostly what he wanted to tell me about at breakfast this morning when I near to cut off a finger, and here it is:
GAWD has made it possible for me to purchase really large amounts of Live Baby Chicks at a greatly reduced price, and to pass these savings on to you. Halleleujah, praise the Lord. Now, you may find this hard to believe, but remember, GAWD has His Hand in this. GAWD is always looking out for his beloved who support His Messenger. Halleleujah, praise the Lord. Yes, it’s true, I can ship you 100, that’s right, 100 live baby chicks, guaranteed to arrive alive and healthy at your doorstep, for not $200, no, not $150 or even $100.
For only $50 POSTPAID, you will get ONE HUNDRED LIVE BABY CHICKS, guaranteed live at your door. Halleleujah, praise the Lord.
And folks, if you act right now, because this is a limited time offer, halleleujah, praise the Lord, and are among the first one hundred to send me $50, I will include with your 100 live baby chicks a Genuine Autographed Photograph of Jesus Christ! Halleleujah, praise the Lord.